I admit I have neglected my blog in the past few months. Mostly this is due to a lack of time despite retiring from appraisal work. It’s been a slow transition from office drone to my passions, coaching and writing. Even though I’m no longer writing 100-page appraisals, I’ve had to adjust to all the paperwork of the coaching life.
There’s another reason for my neglect, however. I have a family member who is fighting the double disorders of depression and anxiety. Care takes time and focus. I do not regret any time–and I do not consider it loss–but I am left with less time for writing, as family and coaching must take priority.
In the two+ years of care, here’s some things I’ve learned about depression and anxiety:
They are not the person. They are a breakdown in the “normal” function of the body just like cancer, diabetes, or heart disease
These disorders are not sins or moral flaws; they can be triggered by major events, but calling depression or anxiety a “sin” (or anything similar) is not only wrong, it can cause greater damage
These disorders are treatable. However, they fight back and medications may only work for a short time, or doses may need to be constantly adjusted. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster
These diseases will scream for self-medication. Almost all self-medication is not merely harmful, it is destructive
Depression and anxiety tell a person lies about themselves, such as “You are worthless,” “Nobody loves you,” or “You should just give up”
Depression and anxiety never tell the truth. Fighting back can leave a person as weak and exhausted as chemotherapy does for a cancer patient
Meeting regularly with a professional therapist works as well as—and often better—than prescribed drugs. In fact, research has shown the most effective treatment is a combination of medication and regular therapy. These diseases wreak havoc on our brains, and a good psychiatrist can help a person rewire that damage. It takes time and effort not on just the part of the person suffering, but the counselor and the patient’s support network. It also requires a bond between the person seeking treatment and the therapist; good counselors know this and are prepared to help someone move on to another professional when that bond does not form
I have also learned what I can do to help. I can apply the following qualities:
Unconditional Love
Grace
Mercy
Empathy
Patience
Affirmation of the real person (who they are when the diseases are not in charge)
The following responses should never be used with someone suffering from depression and/or anxiety:
Anger
Tell them to “toughen up” (“Tough Love” is rarely helpful and usually does more damage than any type of help)
Frustration
When I feel this, I cannot be in the presence of my family member; I have to go to another room and think about Love, Grace, Mercy, and Patience. I have to adjust my thinking
When frustration is directed toward the person, it flows from an assumption of bad intent—the person is trying to be difficult or not trying to get better. It’s okay for caregivers to be frustrated and even angry with the disorder, but never with the person. That distinction is very important!
Neglect
What does this mean? After two+ years, my family member continues to struggle, but has improved notably. With hope and support and work, this upward trajectory will continue and hopefully this will change within another year or two. We cannot rely solely on medications or the psychiatrist to solve things; we must rely also on a support network.
Further, we have to be involved, which sometimes requires altering our schedules considerably. Being involved often means just being there to provide love. Loneliness is a breeding ground for depression and anxiety. These disorders actively work to isolate a victim. Being involved also means a willingness to listen, even if that’s at 2 a.m.
Living with these diseases will usually be a life-long battle. There needs to be a balance of support, regular counseling, and medications, but even then, there are no guarantees these diseases will not take the life of a loved one. When suicide happens, do not be quick to judge or cast shame. Chris Cornell and Chad Bennington were the victims of a frightful disease. They were not weak men. They were brave and strong men who had fought a terrible war.
Maybe if we recorded the cause of these deaths (and others like them) as depression or anxiety rather than suicide, research into these brain disorders would get the attention and funding it deserves!
If you’ve read this, I encourage you to think long and hard about brain disorders and mental illness. Think about what you call it. Educate yourself. There is now enough information available to remove the label of shame and for all of us to wage the same kind of fight that we’ve applied to breast cancer and heart disease.
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